Is It Too Late

By Wen Hsiao

    Right now, at age sixteen, I find myself being surrounded by friends that seem to have their lives all figured out. My friend are kind, polite, and genuine. They tell witty jokes, and have big plans for the future; plus ways to achieve it.
    And then there’s me.

 
    Every Monday, I go to school with my nicely ironed uniform oxford shirt, plaid skirt and thigh high socks, I speak politely to my teachers and laugh at their jokes. I sit with the people I’ve known for six years at lunch. I listen in on anecdotes and complain and provide appropriate commentary. As the days go by, I find myself to be filled with nothing but anxiety towards the end of the school year. I am afraid that if I break such a perfect pattern that I’ve been following through, I would lose everything. The possibilities of losing affection from my teachers, my classmates, my friends, even myself.

    Throughout the years, I find myself rejecting myself and what I want to do because I’m afraid of what others may think. I find myself being afraid to speak up just to avoid any possible conflict. I hear my voice trailing off when I state my own opinion in public.

     I could never figure out who I really wanted to be. Did I want to be the person who makes herself happy? Or did I want to be the person who makes the ones around her happy?

     I don’t know who I am, and it’s okay, I’m still in my years of youth as I try to figure out who I am and explore all of the possibilities around me. Over time, however, I can feel myself turning into a rather negative person, usually towards myself. I doubt myself in every moment, pushing myself back into my comfort zone to avoid any obstacles. This is who I really am, or at least what I try to convince myself I am.

    This is a reflection of a girl who doesn’t know who she wants to be, of a girl who doesn’t know who she is. As of now, I don’t know who I want to be when I grow up. I don’t know which way the road I’m walking down points. I’m walking mindlessly with a dying flashlight but I am alright, I know I’m heading towards somewhere and I’m learning more and more about my destination as I walk down the road. As of now, I don’t know who I am. I don’t know if I’m the pushover I see I am or the easygoing person others see. I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing by just going along with anything people say or do. But out of everything, I do know one fact.

   I know that I will be okay. I know that not everything will go the way I want it to be. I know that even the worst days contain silver linings. I know that sometimes people leave and don't come back and that’s okay. I know all of that, but sometimes I find myself to be doubting it, forgetting that no matter what happens, life goes on nonetheless. It is fine that at age sixteen, I find myself feeling lost and confused. This is a reflection of a girl who doesn’t know who she wants to be, by a girl who doesn’t know who she is.
And she’s alright with it.



1 comment

  1. Such perfect articulation of a girl lost. You'll find your way.

    ReplyDelete