Suffer in Silence

By Ariann Barker

My words yearn to burgeon from the depths of my lips, expose themselves to a world that is harsh and unforgiving yet strangely attentive. Instead, they settle for less, twirling around to immortalize themselves on paper. I want the best for my remarks, but I choose not to do anything. Instead, I suffer in silence.

The root of my fears to speak up resonates deep within my tumultuous history of being loud. My mouth was always open, my arms were always flailing, I was always free. Yet now, I struggle to project myself, announce to the world that, yes, I am here, and no, I will not go anywhere. I choose to suffer in silence.
Speaking up is, and has always been, a brave task to undertake. When you’re worried about everyone else, you are bound to monitor the way you project yourself. My silence, however, manifests itself differently. I don’t monitor- I censor. My words never truly leave my lips unless they need to.
I use mediums like writing to vent about things I cannot speak out loud about. Whether it be who I am, what I believe, or what I think, it can all be found in the nooks and crannies of my typed words. I do not think, however, that this is a bad thing. In fact, it does more positive than negative.
Being such a quiet person has allowed me to take in the world, smell the roses, splash in the puddles. It’s made me a keen person. I don’t need to look at words to determine someone’s character. I look at their behavior - the way they walk, talk, or even dress, instead.
For years, I’ve wanted to be someone loud and proud; a person with the confidence of a general. To this day, I still sometimes wish I wasn’t as meek. But, I know that it’s okay to be quiet. Being loud isn’t everyone’s thing, and forcing yourself to be loud is definitely not good. Finding your voice is a struggle. Finding your voice with nothing to say is worse.

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