First and Last: A Collection of Poems

Anonymous

tea
march twelfth
i sat down
and ordered
a cup
of black ceylon tea
and it’s been
in my system
since then


first
“i really want to kiss you”
he said 
when i smiled and leaned in
he did
one after another
after the first times
rolled over
the first time we kissed
my heart had been racing
since then


turning point
"we can never go back
to being just friends after this”
i whispered
he cracks into laughter
"is that alright with you?"
i nodded


everything
the birth mark on his forearm
the wrinkles by his eyes
the stubble spread across his chin
the way his eyes shine
when he talks about the things he loves
the way his laugh echoes in the room
the way his hands fit in mine
the way he says my name
the way he kisses my forehead
the way his hand runs through my hair
the way his arms wraps around me
the way he knows i’m crazy like him
the way he knows i’m crazy for him
the way he’s the only one i see in a crowded room
the way he’s the only one i see
the way he’s the only one

i don’t think
i can see the world
the same way
i do now
without
him

the way he single handedly
changed how i
saw the world
around me

in some senses
he
was
my world


never, ever
i don’t think i’ve
ever been this in love
with anyone


untitled
“i love you”
“i love you more”
“i know”


slept
when i slept
beside you

it was the safest
i’ve ever felt
was the warmest
i’ve ever felt

to have your arms
on my shoulder
to have your fingers
in my hair
to have your head
leaned against mine

i don’t think
i’ve ever truly
slept
since then

now
i find it difficult
to be sleeping
on my own


the road
i never thought a road would haunt me like this,
the street where we kissed for the first time
where we walked again on our last date

i never thought a road would haunt me like this,
the road where i can’t imagine myself
to be with anyone else
but you,
the road where i can’t imagine myself
moving on

i’m so afraid of
the road
to becoming your place
for another girl,
where you kiss another girl
for the first time

i’m so afraid of
the road
to becoming your place
for another girl,
where another girl
will be feeling
the same way
i did and
i do now


the pull of trigger
“why am i the only one crying right now
why are you not crying with me
why am i the only one heartbroken right now
why doesn’t it hurt for you
as much it hurts for me?”

maybe
i still feel like
maybe
he didn’t love
me
the way i loved
him


sweet nothings
he always told me
the same things

“you’re
cute
sweet
loving
caring
supportive”

but being those things
isn’t enough

to keep someone
around

maybe
they’re called
sweet nothings
because
even though
they’re
sweet

in the end,
it’s nothing


would’ve
i wish i weren’t
who i am

i wouldn’t
have changed a thing
for you

i wouldn’t
have died
for you

but

if i weren’t
who i am

you would’ve
loved me
longer than
you did


it’s not you it’s me
“it’s not you it’s me”
he said lightly that night

he told me again
and again
it wasn’t my fault
but the more
he said it again
and again
the more i felt like
it was all me
not him

“it was my fault
thinking i could ever change you”
he said looking at me harshly in the eyes

“it’s not you it’s me”
he said lightly that night

“it was my fault
i should never have asked you out
so i wouldn’t be
breaking your heart like this
it was my fault
i should never have kissed you
on our first date
and so many times
after that
it was my fault
i should never have told you
i loved you back
it was my fault
i should never have fallen for
you
it is my fault
for breaking your
heart right now
and i’m sorry”

he told me again
and again
it wasn’t my fault
but the more
he said it again
and again
the more i felt like
it was all me
not him

“it’s not you it’s me”
he said lightly that night

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