Please Slow Down @Time


Written by Samantha Fabian
Visual by Kathryn Zix

Everything is moving too fast. It has been and will be.
The modern will be the classic.
Current fashion is j-walking to old ones.
New apartments will turn to old abandoned houses in an unpopular city.
Young love becomes old and forgotten.
Childhood sweethearts become aged couples.
Next year will just turn into "a long time ago".
Forever just turns into “sorry-ever-after”.
Teenage dream becomes a distant happy memory or some unfulfilled dream.
Existential crisis you were having when you were 16 years old becomes middle life crisis.
"Flawless" turns wrinkled.
Grandparents become the next ashes and bones.
Old friends become strangers you never had the chance to know again.
Fathers become grandfathers.
Granddaughters slowly become the next grandmothers.
Uncles become some old unmarried men living states away from yours.
And everyone and everything is turning in its oldest state or form.
Next thing you know, you're just some old woman stuck in a teenage haze or an old man missing a past generation. And I’m scared. I’m scared. I’m scared.


Dear Joseph


Alternatively titled:
“Never Had Snow Here but I’m Ready to Experience Your Winter with Shaky Hands’”
Words and Visual by Samantha Fabian

Just like a call I have to answer
A dark alley I have to walk in
Eyes I have to take
Lies I have to hear
Appointments I have to attend
Silence I have to sit with
Losses I have to go through
Truths I have to accept
You’re a fear I choose to experience.


Aeipathy

By Olivia Ferrucci
Two
  Eighteen years have passed and here I sit, yellow light slipping through the supple curtains, my mind numb from utter exhaustion. It is November fourteenth. My grandmother needs to take three pills tonight; two resembling tiny yellow lemons and one sour like children’s candy. I cannot forget. But here I am, still upon a windowsill and fogging up the thick, frostbitten glass. The bags under my eyes are sinking, lower and lower.
  I very much live for two people- each morning when I awaken, I slather jam on toasted rye bread for my grandmother and myself. She tells me about the life she remembers and the dreams she doesn’t as I help her shower, and we depart only after I place the two round pills in her palm. My grandmother’s memory is the Hope Diamond, but she is a mere pickpocketer. During my study hall, I rotate between scribbled grocery lists and calculus homework. The afternoon passes like lethargic molasses, but I return home eventually. Once more, the cycle begins.


Consuming
  Passion is the sole bond that ties my family together. We identify each other not through eye color, height, or even surname, but the energy we put behind our lives and pursuits. At the age of eight, my mother became enamored with language. She said words filled her up in a way nourishment never could, only increasing her hunger to learn and learn and learn. Spanish was first- then came English, French, and Italian. Now, my mother devours words every day as an au pair. She slips between countries as most do with towns, always learning. Always consuming.
  Under my breath lie the words I have written with care. Though I am eighteen years old, I have only discovered my passions in the midst of high school. Debate ignites me in a way I cannot explain- it is the only time in which I can fight back, give my two cents, and be praised for it. My grandmother listens as I recite my speeches, always offering accolades. She worked in marketing for forty-three years, never stopping to hear the world’s slow hum that holds so many people captive in their routines. Without a single complaint, my grandmother worked a full-time job and raised three children all by herself. I once asked her how she did it, how she sacrificed herself to make ends meet. She replied that she could not bear to see the fear in her children’s eyes. And just like that, my grandmother bled.


Collision
  I have been Etta Reyes for as long as I can remember, yet that name means less and less to me as the days become shorter with winter’s heavy breath. My mother and father met as “At Last” blared in the background of a sleazy jazz bar. I suppose it stuck, because they never even came up with a boy’s name- I was always Etta, always have been. They hardly speak now. Their careers take them to separate ends of the globe, and we all pretend it is distance that divides them rather than a lack of love. It was not always this way, though. I see it in the pictures. I see it in the crinkles under my grandmother’s eyes when she speaks of their early days. She says my father traded in his car so he could buy my mother a ring. They would’ve gone to the ends of the world for each other, but now they do that anyways, and not for the sake of romance. When my mother comes home for a few days each month, I see the fatigue in her arms as she washes the dishes. I see the way my father gazes at other women, even if they are as young as I am. And so my parents’ paths do not collide. The only time they are home at the same time is the holidays. My mother and father are like the sun and the moon. Always spinning, but never quite reaching each other. Stuck on this same path. I cannot orbit like this- cannot become afraid to stop circling, fearful to start loving.


Looking Back
  A girl named Ana walks home every afternoon with her head held high. We met in debate, and now she is the closest thing I have to a friend. Ana goes to parties and laughs and smiles. I watch the way her eyes shift when she knows what she wants. I watch her succeed because she can, and I wish I knew how to do the same. At last year’s state debate tournament, Ana rolled her neck and glided through the thick blue curtains to the stage. Her argument spilled out of her mouth like sweet lemonade and I found myself mesmerized by her sheer presence. There is a glimmer in Ana’s eyes when she revels over admissions and dorm rooms. She talks about going to Stanford or maybe Brown, if she feels like it. Everyone wants her, she says.
  Last year, I saw Ana crying as she walked home. Her head wasn’t tilted to the sky, but sagging far beneath the clouds. Her mother had been diagnosed with Stage 3 breast cancer. We talked, and she said her mother would be fine, and I said I know. But now, Ana’s mom stays in the hospital and I’m not sure Ana will get to go to college at all.
  Before our teacher, Ms. Catana, arrives, the debate kids talk for a few minutes about what we’ll be doing next year and our dreams. A boy named Eli babbles about working hard to buy a Mustang, and a freshman shares her hopes of going into fashion design. Ana talks about taking a train to California and never looking back. I don’t say anything at all.


My Grandmother and the Mountains
  My grandmother often talks about her friend Eliza. She relays grand stories of tiptoeing through the open city and breaking hearts, life shining through her dull eyes. She´s so happy, my grandmother says, living by the wildflowers with three cats in a small cottage. So happy. My grandmother keeps the telephone on her nightstand just in case her friend calls.  She murmurs that Eliza is just busy, up there in the mountains. No reception. One of these days, she will make her way up to the mountains, too. She will live with the cats and the sunflowers and drink lemonade with her best friend. I nod, and nod, and turn the corners of my mouth decidedly up. Eliza passed away of a stroke three years ago. She will call, my grandmother says.



The Hurricane’s Eye
  I am a meteor, hailing from the sky and crumbling to my own end. Dust trickles from my strong legs, and I can feel the impact already. I am about to hit the earth. The grass is springing from the dirt, and cherry blossoms are dancing throughout the warm air. My shoes feel light, as though I could find myself above the ground at any given moment. Mama is so proud of me because I made it into the national debate division. Now, me and some of the other debate kids get to go to a big tournament in Boston for a few days and perform for a thousand people. Before I leave, I kiss my grandmother on her forehead and she just stares ahead. Numb. Grandma, please. Don’t be mad. But she says nothing.
   The next two days are a blur, full of meaningless small talk and hotel room rehearsals. I have been writing my speech on animal rights for several months now, and the words fall out of my mouth as I practice one by one like well-oiled machine parts. Tonight’s the night. My team is on its way to Emerson College, where speech and debate are the favorite children of extracurriculars. I look down the whole way, focused on my soft black shoes, tattered and worn from my mother’s footsteps. Ana and Eli are chattering nervously as Ms. Catana scribbles furiously into her small black notebook. When we arrive, the four of us make our way to the auditorium where the competition will be happening. A wide, sturdy door extends itself, and oh. The auditorium is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Sprawling and luxurious, glittering paintings line the endless walls. My neck twists up and the ornate, gilded patterns coating the deep red ceiling dance before me. Each luminous bulb spins a vortex of white light onto the matte stage and I am silent. I tuck a loose strand of hair behind my ear and am immediately swept back into the mad storm of preparation.
  “Are you ready?” Eli asks, two hours of hairspray and heartbeats later. I nod, not quite sure of my answer. We stand just beyond the rippling maroon curtain that shields us from more than a thousand eager judges and audience members. My heart rattles in its cage but I do not, will not, allow the tremors to show. Before I know it, the names ‘Etta Reyes’ and ‘Michael Cristino’ tremble through the loudspeakers and I am gliding towards the podium. The faces are a mosaic of smiling strangers, all warped by the bright light cascading from above. And suddenly, I am here. The auditorium disappears, and it is just me and the tall boy staring me head on. I stare back. On some formality, he gets to speak first. I listen as Michael divulges the explicit nuances of how animal testing has allowed for scientific progression, and why we lack alternatives. My pen carves memorized statistics and evidence onto the lined paper placed upon the podium. The watch clicks and it is my time. I feel countless eyes steadying on me but I do not flinch. Without hesitation, I launch into a calculated monologue. The world slows as I speak, and I feel it coursing through me. Even in this alternate universe in which only my voice exists, I can hear Michael gulp. My voice softens as I finish and a thousand roars fill my ears.
  My eyes adjust to the sheer radiance of the sunlight peeking through the transparent curtains of the hotel room. Groggily, I turn to my side and face the wooden nightstand. Just behind the towering golden trophy engraved with my name lies a ringing cell phone.
  “Hello?” I mumble. The panicked voice of my mother rings through, and I can hear tears even through the miles of telephone lines connecting us. And then the rain comes. Etta, your grandmother has had a stroke. Come. Come now.



Burn
When a meteorite enters the Earth’s atmosphere, preparing to crash, it burns up and creates a streak of light known as a shooting star.
I have crashed.
My fault. Everything.
Who was I to act upon self-interest?
Who was I to prioritize myself?
She is alive, but that isn’t the point. I sit here, in this white hospital room drained of life, as my shoulders crumble under the weight of a thousand apologies.



Them
  Dementia is a funny thing. One day, you can recall each string you have spun and every page you have turned. The next, you aren’t sure if your middle name is Lila or Lois and did you forget to turn the oven off? Today is one of my grandmother’s good days. When I arrived home from school, she told me with pride that she had eaten two meals and even watched the television for a bit. I smile, nod, move to the kitchen so I can prepare her afternoon pills and review what assignments I need to do tonight. I am pouring ice water from a cracked blue pitcher when my grandma’s thin voice rings through the air.
  “Have I taken my pills yet?” Humming, I murmur a slight “no” and stir the shattered white pill into the glass. I am making my way to the kitchen table when the door comes into my view. It is unlocked, and I remember. I remember head down, earbuds in, tromping through the crosswalk just after last period. My eyes shifted left for just a second, but it was enough. My grandmother stood like a ghost in her bathrobe, bare feet on the sidewalk’s edge. Through some odd miracle, just one small Honda was buzzing along the opposite lane. I gripped her from behind, and a frustrated cry broke the silence. My grandmother’s eyes landed on me, wild and fearful. We walked home in silence until I saw the blue door of our home left slightly ajar of my own accord.
  The television depicts old age as a send-off. When your loved one reaches the magical age of seventy-two, or perhaps eighty-four, you are expected to ship them off to a retirement center: a holding place where they can be taken care of by someone who is not you. Occasionally, as I watch my grandmother write down names and addresses and everything she doesn’t want to forget, I think about dementia. I wonder how awful it must be to question whether you will wake up tomorrow with a sense of self. How can I send this woman who is so afraid of forgetting to a place where there are no means of remembering?



Russian Dolls
  The women in my family are Russian dolls. Each of us holds the stories that came before ourselves, encapsulating every struggle and triumph within our lineage. Inside of me lies the fear of not going to college. It is burdensome and omnipresent, lingering like the stale odor of a cigar. My grandmother tells me that she used to weep by her window as she imagined going off to college. Now, I am not sure if I will receive the opportunity either. If I were to pack up and simply vanish, what kind of ghost would my grandmother become? What kind of ghost would I become? I have devoted my entire life to living for two people. I have forgotten how to be just one. These dolls inside of me are starting to get heavy, and I can feel my skin stretching from the inside out. I cannot bear to see my grandmother crack, so I just keep staying. I keep staying.



Repeat
   She is in the hospital again. Low white blood cell count, they say. We need her to stay overnight. And here I am once again, crumpled in surrender within the means of a flimsy plastic chair. I rest my head against the wall and inhale deeply. The ticking of heart monitors plays like a record in the background, but I cannot find it in me to focus on that. Here I am once more, focused on self-interest. I roll the thick paper between my fingertips, not caring to look down. Between the embellished phrasing, the staple details, and the announcement itself, lie those four words.
  Congratulations! You’ve been accepted.
  I always wanted to go to law school, but never like this. Not by choosing myself over another. My parents are on their way home, but for now it is just me, my grandmother, and this damn piece of paper. Before I can reach for my phone to see if my mother has landed, my grandmother stirs from under the thin blue sheets.
“Grandmother? Are you awake?” Her face softens. These days, she is not remembering me as she used to. I rush to her side, resting my hand on hers. Her eyes land on the paper now touching her pale hand, and an eyebrow raises in question. I lick my lips.
“I was accepted to Columbia,” A blank stare meets mine as she struggles to understand.
“The school, grandma. For law. We talked about it a couple of months ago when I applied.” I can’t do this. I walk out of the room and make my way to the nearest window down the hallway. The sun has just dipped under the horizon, leaving a trail of soft blue stars to follow like small raindrops. The cosmic wasteland does not reach me in this narrow hospital hallway; I am very much grounded.


Grown
  I am a rose. No longer shall I bleed from my own thorns, however. It is June 1st and I am perched upon the windowsill, thinking about the months to come and what they hold for me. My parents have moved back home for a bit to care for my grandmother. She has her good days. In August, I will move to New York and follow my passion in a way my grandmother never could. She is proud of me. I am proud of me, too. I spent so many years letting roots that did not belong to me intertwine, entangling me, choking me, but now I am allowing myself to breathe. And yes. The rain will keep falling. Her memory may flatline, and this rose garden may not prosper, but no person can survive without rain. Last week, my grandmother told me that she has found herself through me. Though she herself may be on the cliff’s edge, she knows I can grapple the mountain for her. I can go to college and pursue my dreams in her honor and we will be the reddest roses we know. We will.

Negative






Photos by Syahirah Harun

Phobias: The Lithium Series

This issue, Julia and I talked to some Lithium contributors to find out some of the phobias we suffer from. Remember: at the end of the day, we are all human. Though we may have phobias, we’re all still beautiful.

Arachnophobia- the fear of spiders and or other arachnids

Tokophobia- the fear of pregnancy and childbirth

Spheksophobia- a deep fear of wasps


Thanatophobia- the extreme and or irrational fear of death 

The fear of addiction

Hydroskourophobia- the fear of deep, dark, and murky water


Astraphobia- the fear of thunder and lightning

The fear of wasting time

The fear of the talent and quality of work

The fear of falling off of a mountain 

                                  Text by Jada Moore and Illustrations by Julia Tabor

A Change of Heart


Alternatively titled “From Beautiful to Ugly”
Written by Samantha Fabian
Visual by Julia Tabor

The thing I fear the most
Is when you see
All the beautiful things you thought about me,
Quirks and attitude you thought that built my strong persona
As something ugly, something annoying.

Like, perhaps,
My wittiness will just become
A way to humor your side
My stubbornness will just become
A decline to compassion
My attitude of carefreeness will just become
Another word for apathy
My recklessness and rebellious heart will just become
A run from responsibilities.


In Honor of the Raven






Inspired by the works of Edgar Allen Poe.

By Laura Oyuela

You





I don't want to live in fear but if there's anything I'm afraid of, it's losing the people I love. 

Text and Visual by Soani Velez

Gender Progression







I identify as queer, and my pronouns are she/they. The way I describe this is I feel a very feminine force within me, but at the same time, I feel very other. I tried to depict this in the best way I could. 


Text and Visuals by Tazia Cira

Space Is Not My Place



some will spend eternity for the stars have helped them to see


but space is not my place


although it is quite beautiful


i cannot see
much of anything else


until orbit stops
these hands will eternally shake


and the constellations will unravel before me

Photoset by Kathryn Zix
Modeled by Eryn, Sergio, Ben, and Bella



Lights Out





Photos by Arianna May

Astrology Corner


Aries:
Your energy radiates
From every inch,
I feel the glow
From feet away,
Cannot help but be drawn
To follow your lead,
Revel in the light of your passion.
You are hesitant to move forward,
But I encourage you,
Drop your fear and move fiercely.
Bask in your own glow.

Cancer:
Your tender fingers 
Draw us all near,
To be held in the embrace
Of your care. 
Your love has power,
To heals all, 
And we fall gracefully into your caress.
Push off hesitation,
Love in the aftermath of pain, 
Learn to trust again. 

Libra: 
You live with the love
Of another pressed against you,
The harmony of a partner sets you steady
In your imbalance,
You cower at the thought of being alone, 
But you yourself have the capacity
For a life born anew. 

Capricorn: 
The drive and patience
You exhibit draws them to you,
The realism in you pushes
Them away,
You long to find a match
To your dedication and support,
But fear you never will.
Set aside the fear and 
Embrace the beauty 
Of your perseverance.

Taurus:
Your creativity is alluring, 
Your expression, staggering. 
Those who know you have found
Comfort in your embrace time and again,
But have felt the brunt of your attitude far too often.
Anxiety pushes you away from softness
And warmth in love,
Cast it aside. 
Find the tender heart you have.

Leo:
You long for center stage and light,
Your large personality and bubbling heart
Endear those around you, 
But your need for drama complicates things.
Do not be afraid to share your light with others,
Allow your loved ones to shine by your side. 

Scorpio:
Your serious and calculated thoughts
Allow you to persevere through the hardest times,
Your sense of right and wrong
Clears the path for you,
Your need to get your way
Clouds it.
Relinquish your control,
Hand over the reins to someone you trust.
Bask in the freedom you earn.

Aquarius: 
You give most of yourself to others,
You strive to create change,
Your vision for the world around you 
Could lead you to great things.
Push past your fear of failure 
And have confidence in your intelligence.
You are a force 
To be reckoned with. 

Gemini:
Your energy and drive 
Make you a light that is best left on,
Your imagination and wit 
Are impressive to see-
Your impulsive nature
May cause fear of commitment in others.
Reassure them of your dedication
And your compassion,
The results will be endless. 

Virgo:
Your reliability and 
Presence of mind
Often make you a shoulder to cry on,
But some see you
As an unwelcome interference,
Don’t be afraid to tell them how you feel.
Your love and care for the issues of others
Makes you a friend to keep. 

Sagittarius:
Your passion for exploration 
And adventure
Make you the friend everyone loves to have.
Despite your courage in life 
You fear that your emotions will push others away.
Don’t be afraid to share how you feel,
Bring the courage in your daily activities
Into your friendships and your love. 
Be the openhearted person you long to be.

Pisces: 
Your love and devotion
For those that you truly trust
Brings warmth and comfort to those around you.
You fear putting effort into new relationships
Which may limit your opportunities.
Work past those who have hurt you
And have confidence in the power of your heart. 

By RyLee Weatherby

Fear Inside of Love


It is common belief that love is the strongest emotion. The idea that it can conquer all is instilled in us and we know it to be the foundation upon which many build their lives on. Yet, even inside of love, there is something else tugging on the heart obscured under our sleeves. There is fear. We forebode that the ones we love may leave, that we are loving with no reciprocation, and that we are repeating past mistakes that have left sour scars on our skin. And the fear - or, perhaps, the dread - that those you love will eventually bow out of your life in some way. That is why I think fear is the strongest emotion, not because it can stop love, but because it blooms inside of it, too.

So here’s to us. We have chosen to love, not simply in spite of, but alongside fear. These songs are acknowledging just that. We are all in love, whether in eros, philia, ludus, agape, or pragma, and that is worth memorializing.

No One Else - Phillipa Soo (from Natasha, Pierre and the Great Comet of 1812)
We Don’t Believe What’s On TV - Twenty One Pilots
X & Y - Coldplay
The Only Exception - Paramore
Haze - Tessa Violet
Departure - Thao & the Get Down Stay Down
Sick of Losing Soulmates - dodie
When He Sees Me - Sara Bareilles

Click here to listen to the playlist on Spotify.


Text and Visual by Danielle Leard

The American Phobia and ‘The Shining’






By Sydney McMahon
The seventies are often imagined in vibrant color, but this period of American culture was actually quite gray. As Americans were stripped of financial stability and thrust into a new wave of political unrest, many lost more than leisure, but the luxury of certainty. Among questions of dubiety, many men begin to ask themselves, ‘What kind of man am I if I cannot provide for my family?". One could ignore distant calls of Beatniks and activists on the news, but could not ignore their personal failure. In this, we see America having to face their fear of gender roles face on as the fear of ambiguity flooded the veins of America.

Since the rise of the 20th century, the sword, shield, and mirror of American culture has been film. Released in 1980, Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining deals heavily with the ‘lean years’ and gender roles. As the plot slowly builds, we are introduced to a typical family. Jack is the provider, and his wife Wendy is the caretaker. However, if we delve further into individual scenes, we can see that Jack is struggling to feel dominant in this dynamic.

*It's about to get spoilery!*

In the "all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy” scene, Jack chases Wendy up the grand staircase. Although in this situation, Jack acts as if he is in the power position, Wendy is more in control. She is the only one with a weapon, and her placement on the stairs gives her a visual prowess. Even if Jack feels dominant and Wendy feels submissive, Kubrick wants us to know that their positions may really be switched.


Here, Wendy takes action against Jack and knocks him out with a baseball bat, then proceeding to lock him in a storage room (which he later escapes, but only because the man who killed his wife to ‘keep her in place’ lets him out). Although shaking with fear, Wendy is portrayed defying her expectations.

*about to get even more spoilery!!*

In the end, it is Wendy who lives and not Jack. Outsmarted and alone, Jack freezes to death outside the hotel. Although we suspect that he will come back again in another life, we understand that Wendy’s escape is a pivotal point. Perhaps the woman can escape her oppressive husband. Perhaps the daughter can escape her abusive father. Perhaps individuals are not defined by the categories we assign them. Perhaps these categories are arbitrary, and perhaps they are wrong. Maybe all is not what it seems, and that should not make you quake with fear. In America, the gray area has been felt by the public like a horror film as ambiguity has become a cinematic thrill. ‘The Shining’ gracefully exposes this, and we see before our eyes, the American ideal fall off the edge of its seat.