My Thoughts On Conquering Solitude

 I was sitting there, listing my fears. I thought I was being stupid, being silly. All of my fears seemed like cliché, first-world problems; not real fears. But they are, at least to me.

   I have an ultimate fear, and it is one I share with many others: being left behind. The thought of falling behind and watching everyone run past me in the track of life is paralyzing. It’s not just me, but I let it take over. I start to refuse to let people in, closing myself off from others, no longer sharing personal or intimate details with others, and refusing to get attached. I push people away. I subconsciously neglect people to the point that I can’t hold on to functioning friendships or relationships. There are too many times where I preferred to stay silent than share things about myself. 

   It is such a silly thought process, but the more I think of it, the more I cannot bear to stop being afraid of it. One of the principles of socioculturalism analysis states that humans are social animals and feel a need to belong. I am so fixated upon it that I find myself chasing things that aren’t me just to feel as though I belong somewhere.

   Is it the fear of being rejected by others? Is it the fear of being disliked? I am afraid to leave toxic people behind in my life even though they don’t acknowledge me as a being, with the sole reason of not wanting to be alone. I allow this to swallow me. I have became a prisoner of my own mind. 

   This is a reflection. A reflection on who I have been and the tendencies I never liked. From this point forward, I can learn. I can learn how to cope with this feeling and teach myself how to let people in. After all, a fear is a fear.

Text and Visual by Wen Hsiao