Ways to Not Die This Holiday Season


Disclaimer: this should not be taken seriously.

Hey, it’s me, a combination of every single Christmas-ruiner-you’ve-ever-met-in-a-movie, pre-reformation Grinch & Scrooge, except I don’t actually dislike the holidays themselves, I just can’t deal with the seasonal depression, almost-failing-my-classes, and capitalism jazz.


I hate the holidays.


Maybe the holidays have a redemption arc once they stop being designated family time, but for most of us this next week, here are a few ways to not die during the holidays!


Don’t even think about it. Politics are interesting but if your family is all right wing conservatives and your liberal gay self wants to roast Trump, just hold off for a few days. This works because you’re dying inside due to internal conflict but you’re still alive because your relatives haven’t murdered you with pitchforks yet!


Avoid all conversation! How’s school? How are your grades? Do you have a significant other yet? Do you have a job? Are you even doing anything besides self-deprecating in your free time? Don’t even answer the questions. Just don’t. This strategy works because you don’t want to talk to them, but you’re a narcissistic extrovert who loves to talk about yourself.


Lock yourself away in a 193,746-foot tall tower. No, really, just be Rapunzel! Everyone will leave you alone, I promise. 10/10 guarantee! You might fall out of the window, but you won’t have to see people until your hair gets long enough for that Rapunzel magic.


Just stop reading this and adopt the ignorance and bliss of a toddler. You’re done! It’s over! Politics don’t make sense anymore, you can cry and your parents will pay attention to you, everyone except for the person who hates kids loves you, and you can ignore the impending doom of adulthood and capitalism!


If the holiday season is more like a bunch of holiday blues, don’t worry; it will pass.

By Ry X

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