Déjà Été, Déjà Entendu


We all try to forget when we overdid our black eyeliner and jammed out to Blink-182 in seventh grade, but today we’re not going to let you do that. Here at the Washington Post we wanted to shine some light on the emo subculture as one of its participants undergoes a struggle that we’ve all been through. Just this morning, 16-year-old Danielle Chelosky, who apparently needs even more years on this earth to finally learn her lesson, relapsed into her most dangerous, life-threatening habit: falling in love! Fully aware of the situation, the young Juliet lived her life with a shining grin on her face and her foreshadowing fear hidden in the back of her mind. After the approximate and infatuated time span of a month, she familiarly succumbed to tragedy (as expected—haven’t you read Romeo and Juliet?), returning her back to her natural state: heartbroken. As melancholy swelled up in the poor, naïve girl’s heart, we were fortunate enough to score an interview with her.

Interviewer: So, can you tell us what exactly happened between you and your lover?
Danielle: Well, (sobbing) depends what you mean: when we were in unconditional love or when he broke my [censored] heart?!
Interviewer: (stepping back) Um, whichever you would prefer.
Danielle: (blowing nose into t-shirt) (hysterically laughing with a strange look in her eye) He and I fell head over heels for each other, I can tell you that, but the best part is… (throwing arms in the air and stumbling) I’m the clumsy one! I hit my head and broke my leg! He stopped his fall midway—no scratches, no bruises, and let’s face it, he didn’t even hit the ground!

Millions of metaphors later, the sweet teenage sufferer was nice enough to offer advice for “victims of the same [censored] trauma”. Below you can find an organized compilation of only some of those potentially beneficial tips: 

1. “Telling a boy you have feelings for him? Biggest mistake you’ll ever make—it’ll probably cost you your life.

2. "Not to mention the whole emo thing again or anything, but you better make sure your vinyl collection consists of more 2005 Fall Out Boy than it does The Front Bottoms. And get ready for every good band he showed you to not sound so good anymore! So next time you ask him to share music with you, remember that all the merchandise you buy for that band will be burned in a month or so!”

Though Danielle provided plenty more helpful and oddly specific do’s and don’t’s, we decided that if you need more, (along with therapy) you can visit Danielle’s blog: CryingAtTheDisco.wordpress.com. There, not only can you find advice, but also daily updates on her abysmal self-pity, extensive rants about small inconveniences, and vague vents that my colleagues and I feel may result in uneasiness and possibly even distress after reading.
Well, there you have it folks: Danielle Chelosky—infamous prey of a blood-hungry predator, second-wave Juliet Capulet, hopeless victim of Life—is still alive and desperate for sympathy. We hope you take time out of your day to double tap her angsty selfies and comment on the quotes of the most cliche Brand New lyrics that she posts as statuses on Facebook.

By Danielle Chelosky

3 comments

  1. I love this piece. Seriously. I don't even know. "Second-wave Juliet Capulet" was beautiful.

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