Coming Out as Asexual


I have an account on tinyletter.com through which I can send email newsletters to whoever subscribes to me. I recently sent out an email newsletter titled “who am i to tell you this.” I’m not sure if anyone has opened it yet, as I am too afraid to check because of the content I wrote. I am worried that some of my friends and family members will see it and message me about how concerned they are for me. You see, I wrote something very personal. I told my subscribers that I am asexual—a fact that I barely have come to terms with myself. 

I know that asexuality is a part of the spectrum that nobody really understands. I hardly understand it myself. I feel as if I am an abnormality. Maybe I am. Statistics show that only 1% of the entirety of Earth’s population is asexual; however, it could be more, as not everyone may be open about their sexuality. Often, thoughts race through my head: “Will I ever find someone like me?” “I hate my body.” “Nobody will ever be fully satisfied with me because of my sexuality.”  “I hate my brain.” “I’ll be alone forever.” “I hate me.” I constantly wonder if I will be stuck alone forever because I won’t find someone okay with being with me for a reason other than my body. Maybe I will.

My grandfather told me that he prayed for me on Mother’s Day because he knows I want to have kids, and I almost burst into tears when I heard those words come out of his mouth. I have always wanted to be a mother, but I can’t bare to force myself through the act of sex however many times it might take for me to get pregnant. I have thought about fostering children once I get a steady job after college. I want to foster a family unit, and eventually adopt them once they have been with me for long enough. Plenty of kids need homes, and I know I could give them an incredible one. 

My own mother has always told me to look for the best in any situation. She is the ultimate optimist. I have thought for a long time about what could possibly be good about having this realization, and the one solid idea I’ve come up with is that I know more about who I am now. It has been a long road to get to this point, but I understand why I never enjoyed past sexual encounters and why I never wanted to have sex in the first place and why I had to take scalding hot showers after each time I was touched by someone else. I can finally move on from the hurt and shame I felt in the past. I understand what I want and do not want in any potential future relationships. I am finally coming to terms with the fact that I was not okay for a very long time, and I am okay now. I am better than just alright now. I know that life does not always go the way I want it to, but I also know that sometimes that is for the best.

As I finish writing this, I am watching a firefly blinking on my brother’s balcony and I am able to catch my breath for the first time in a long time. Maybe the world is not so dark after all. 

“Sometimes it is hard to cope with life's surroundings. Sometimes it is almost impossible.

I am sitting in a car as I write this, occasionally looking out of the window to see that everything is moving so fast—everything except for me.

I just finished watching a movie with my parents. It is a movie that centers around rape and death and inaction... themes that appear all too often in our everyday lives. 

I have recently discovered that I am asexual. Not only do I hate sex, but I have never had a desire to have sex or do anything sexual with anyone. I'm not sure what that says about past me and my past sexual encounters, but I just want to be clear that it is nobody's fault that I am asexual. It's just who I am. 

There is nothing I can tell you that will answer whatever possible questions you may have. There is nothing I can tell you that make you understand any more than you already might. 

I am okay, I promise. 

I'm actually better than I have been in a while.

With love, 

Dharma

p.s. it took me almost a week to get the courage to send this.”



By Dharma Gilley
Visual by Raven Yamamoto

1 comment

  1. love you dharma. way to go for sharing!!!! you are loved and important

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