To Love and Be Loved

November 13, 2017
I want to love and be loved.

November 17, 2017
I think I need to try harder to be content with being alone and learn how to love myself, because I feel if I continue feeling this down about myself, I won't be able to bring myself back from this spiral of self-pity.

April 21, 2018
I just don't know how long I can wait before I fully believe that I’m unlovable.

May 17, 2018
I feel incredibly lonely. So lonely it hurts.

These are some of the things I've written in my journal in the past year. Reading them to myself, it hurts to realize how lonely I’ve been feeling. Lately, I’ve been feeling like I am not worthy of being loved or good enough to be loved by anyone. I don't know where it’s all coming from. This sentiment came out of nowhere. Maybe it is something inside of me that I can't control, but I see couples so clearly in love all around me and it hurts. I listen to songs about being in love. I hear stories about love, and yet here I am wondering why I haven't experienced any of it. The experience of being in love with someone who feels the exact same way—the intimacy that comes with it all. It’s every little thing the other person does, the look they give, a touch you feel, a word they say. Even though the feeling of being undesirable is increasing and I've written these painstakingly sad things, I have also written “I know I am a damn catch” multiple times. And I still believe that. I just need someone to realize it.

You are probably wondering—what does this have to do with silver linings? Well, surely there must be a silver lining in feeling all of this self-doubt and self-pity. I don't know what that silver lining is, and I don't know how long it’s going to take me to find out. Is it that one day I will find love? Or that one day I will be utterly in love with myself? I hope something good comes from these feelings, and I hope it comes soon, because everyone deserves to have a great love. We should love with every fiber of our being, even if that love is for ourselves. I know I’m not the only one who feels this way about themselves. Even though it’s become a cliche to say to be patient when it comes to love, I must believe that. We must believe it. 

By Blanca Reyes

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