The Closet

Let me set the scene for you. It’s July of 2015, and I’m in the summer after my freshman year of high school, quickly approaching my sophomore year. Gay marriage has just been legalized. The third season of Orange is the New Black has just come out, and I have never been so confused about my sexuality than in this moment. Twitter engulfs my life, and I see many people sharing their coming out stories, and many tweets of happy LGBT couples and individuals. But I struggled to find my place in this community. Was I just an ally who was very invested in fighting for LGBTQA+ rights, or was I more than that? Was I a part of this community? It doesn’t sound very believable when saying Twitter helped me determine my sexuality, but it is true. I had always thought from a young age that I may be a little different, and that I may have had a few crushes on girls. As I struggled to accept the truth that I was bisexual, I tried to come in contact with someone on Twitter that could help me understand what I was feeling. I met a girl—we’ll call her Sarah—who talked me through my confusion. She helped me come to terms with my sexuality and learn that I was valid no matter what. Talking to her made me decide to come out, and I was nervous—so, so nervous. I was terrified. It took me weeks to be able to say the words “I’m bisexual” out loud. When I did it, it felt like a weight lifted off of my shoulders. 

I decided the first person I was going to verbally come out to was a friend of mine. We were hanging out, getting ice cream, and I told her. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I told her my goal was to be fully out by the end of sophomore year. Here’s an update on that: I just graduated high school, and I am still in the closet. Fast forward to the week after, and I am at work. I was going through such a difficult time, between hiding my sexuality and trying to decide when and how to tell my mother. The night before, I was so close to telling her. I remember being so sick about it I couldn’t eat, and I hid in my room the entire day, contemplating telling her right then and there. I made arrangements to stay at my friend’s house in case I was kicked out. While at work, I typed out a very long coming out message and finally sent it to my mother. My heart was racing, my mind was all over the place, and tears threatened me many times as I was trying to work. I checked my phone every five minutes to see if she had responded. My phone was filled with messages with everyone except my mother, who I felt was probably having a breakdown over my text. 

Looking back, I definitely shouldn’t have come out over text, but it was the only way I thought I could do it. When she finally responded, my heart dropped. I don’t remember much of what she said, but I remember her saying we would talk about it later. So, I anxiously awaited the end of my shift—when my mom would pick me up. When that time came, I got in the car and it was silent. Once we got back to my house, we sat outside in the car and had a talk. I told her how I had discovered my sexuality, and showed her a picture of Ruby Rose, who made me question my sexuality more than anything else. After talking to her, she said she loved me, but that I wasn’t bisexual. She said I was too young, and that if I came out to my dad it might cause him and my mother to get a divorce. I agreed, and have stayed silence since then. I have learned to conceal my sexuality, and to shield it from the outside world. I probably will never fully come out, and I guess I am okay with that. My “coming out” was one of the craziest, most difficult times of my life, and I learned so much from this. I hope others will have way more courage than I do, and I hope you are able to express your sexuality with pride. 

By Anonymous
Visual by Chloe Taal

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