Poems About Men and My Fears About Them

in times of stagnation
i thank my heart for guiding me
presenting my fingers with words
full of desire and adoration for boys barely known

i thank my heart for creating worlds
vast and full of love and affection
and connecting, feeling so strongly
that my brain is forced to take action

my heart, that precocious and eager organ
the guiding light, retrieving me and my soul
from the dark pits of inactivity

~  ~ ~

i never write about my memories
if they're from before i started writing
i never revisit them, instead setting out to find inspiration
in fresher places

fifth grade is a blur
except for anything with him
we are friends, and i like his hair
people make fun of his teeth, but he still smiles

sixth grade is missing from my mind
even he is dulled in that year
but seventh grade is all there

he still smiles
and we're still friends
i wanna grow up to become a software engineer
and live with him

like friends do

~  ~ ~

i am four
i love ssx tricky
and i love elise

she's pretty, of course,
but her outfits are so cool
i even have shoes like one of them
black and yellow, i am the queen bee

i am five, six, and seven
and i am so sensitive
i am bad at sports
and i don't like cars

but at least i am good at reading
and the girls think i am nice

i am eight
and i like a girl
i give her a gift for valentine's day
and we both have meltdowns

i don't like her afterwards

i am nine, ten, and eleven
and i have a cool friend
he's from mexico, and he knows spanish
and his hair is really nice

i am twelve and thirteen
and i like two girls again
they're both nice
and they're nerds like me

i am fourteen
and i am gay
and so nervous around cute boys
"himynameismichaeli'mfriendswithkathandsophia" nervous

i am telling my mom
and i am nervous again

i am fifteen
and i am coming into my own
i am finding myself in more places
and looking with less urgency

i am sixteen
and i am comfortable
i write about boys that make my heart rush
and i kiss boys if i am dared to
and i dream about love

~  ~ ~

why i haven't come out to my dad

i hate emotion in inappropriate settings
i hate my propensity to giggle during a test
and i hate being jealous or sad during a birthday party
and i hate crying around my parents
and i hate my parents crying around me

my mom asks me when i plan to tell my dad
and i say
i don't think it's important
i don't think he's in the dark

and i don't
i know for a fact that he knows
and if he had any suspicion or a desire to know

he could stalk my facebook profile
look through my texts
and go through my locker
find my makeup and my flag
and know for a fact

but he doesn't.

my mom tells me that he'd be okay with it
and if he wasn't, she'd rather have me over him

and i believe he would be okay with it
and if he weren't, i would be lucky enough to
have my life
and a home

and she cries
telling me that
she doesn't want me to feel
like i'm not allowed to be who i really am

and i am crying
and i promise her i don't feel
like i'm not allowed

we cry.
and we sniffle and wipe our eyes.
and we smile.
and i stay quiet.

By Michael Jones

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